My chest feels like it’s going to cave in. I am in so much pain right now and feel lost. The woman I love no longer loves me, and whats more, she is sending naked pictures of herself to someone she works with. All the while, telling me “I don’t know if we can be together.” NOT breaking up with me, but stringing me along. We would have been together 3 years on July 26th of this year. And we have been living together almost the entire time. It hurts so much I don’t know what to do with myself. She was my first love, and the only woman I have ever truly cared about.
I am mostly to blame. I left her three months ago for another. At the same time quitting my band of two years, and in the process loosing a best friend. I actually wanted to marry her, and I think I panicked and thus left her. I have no other justification, and I can not conjure another reason. My life was in complete panic mode, and I did just that; panic. Also, I took her for granted and this is the end result.
Now, I say I am mostly to blame. I say this because, she did some horrible stuff to me as well. Not quite up there with what I ultimately did, but nevertheless, I was never able to fully trust her. I don’t want to get into specifics, but I will say one of the biggest things was her heavy flirting with a guy at work via Yahoo Messenger, and the promise of coming to his house. She would jump on the computer and chat with him almost minutes after I left for work. I know this because I suspected something, and installed a key logger on the home PC.
On a sort of related note, the day I found out she was sending naked pics to a co-worker, was the day I found out my sister attempted suicide, and is now in a coma. Talk about timing right? And today I find out, that my elderly Grand father has Pneumonia, and is refusing to go to the hospital. I wonder if anything else can go wrong? Did I mention I am on house arrest at the moment as well? Yep.
This morning I confronted her again, and said some things to hurt her. The thought of her with another kills me beyond belief. I know it is selfish, but it is what it is, as I always say. I still love her, and have never known pain like this.
With my luck, she will get a restraining order, and I will violate house arrest. Then I will be returned to custody, and maybe not set free until 2011. Did I not mention I am on parole and spent 4 years, 3 months, and two days in prison? And on parole until July 2011? Yep.
This is the life I lead. And it is all my fault. Every bit of it. I have only myself to blame. At least it is entertaining for my Twitter followers. Even if some of them actually care. They ultimately are strangers, and I am alone. And I am afraid I always will be.
3 responses so far ↓
Cecily // June 10, 2009 at 10:35 pm
Hey there…..
Don’t be too hard on yourself…….you are only human,and we all do stupid stuff now and again. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and that we will never be given anything in life that we don’t need to make us stronger as people. I always say that hard work never killed anyone, and unfortunately,you have some hard work cut out for you right now!
You know the cliche ” that which doesn’t kill us, only makes us stronger” right? It is true! I have proof of this in my own life. I have been through a whole lot in my short 32 yrs of life on this planet. I am not sure of much,but what i do know is that we go through shit sometimes so that we will emerge stronger and better able to handle other situations that have not yet met us head on.
Please don’t wish that you will go back to prison,noone deserves to be in prison,unless they deliberately harmed someone or killed them,and I get the feeling that you have done neither of these things.
Life will go on. Things will get better,and you will have learned from this experience to the best of your ability. You are not alone. You have yourself,you have your sister(congrats on her waking up btw!!) and I am assuming you have other family and/or friends in your life? If not….I suggest getting some…….find some kind of forum on a topic you enjoy….start up a conversation with someone that shares similar interests as you. I have made some wonderful life long friends this way!! You might even find the girl you are meant to be with!!
I just happened to find you by accident while looking at another person whom I follow on twitter’s page….and now i am going to follow you!!! So get used to seeing me around here! Looking forward to being friends,if only in the world of twitter!!
Christian Ivann // June 11, 2009 at 10:25 pm
Alright, I dont usually get into other peoples business but I cant help it. Don’t be so hard up on yourslef, dude. I mean, yeah, its really shitty whats happening but there is an off ramp headed your way. It may not come today or tomorrow or even in the next weeks but the road youre on now isnt going to continue your entire life. Like I said, although I dont really get into other peoples issues, I felt that I myself had gone through these trials and had a little something to contribute. The way you describe this girl’s actions I can pretty well promise that theres some other girl out there 10x’s better suited for you. Its not the end of the world so dont live like it is. Everyone goes through tough shit and, although yours seem to be a tad on the tougher side, it’ll all work itself out in the end. Dont dwell on this chick. Dont do anything you might regret. I understand you loved this person but, seriously, if she did those things then her heart wasnt completely into it towards the end. Now, I dont know her or you for that matter but its pretty plain to see when someone just isnt feeling the same. Move on, dude. Trust me, its for the best.
I cant speak for your sister or grandfather but I bet they could use you, all of you, to help them through their own stuff. Of course, you cant give yourself completely to another person until youve spackled over those cracks in yourself and painted on a new coat. Sorry to get all deep on you but I thought i’d offer som encouraging words. Even if they are coming from a Twitter follower. I dont know about you but ive come to realize that even strangers can help you through some pretty crappy times.
Anyways, man, bottom line. ITS NOT YOUR FAULT. Dont blame yourself for other peoples actions. You’ll end up shitting on yourself for every single minut event that goes wrong. Do you really want to go on living that way: Stressing over everyone and completely ignoring yourself? I hope not. Remember, finding that “light” doesnt apply only to finding “God.” Your light is your happiness. What ever it is.
Your Twitter friend and follower,
ChristianIvann
Krys // June 11, 2009 at 11:35 pm
*hug* hang in there…
don’t go doing any violating shit. Your life is better when you want it to be, Charlie. Let her go…