My chest feels like it’s going to cave in. I am in so much pain right now and feel lost. The woman I love no longer loves me, and whats more, she is sending naked pictures of herself to someone she works with. All the while, telling me “I don’t know if we can be together.” NOT breaking up with me, but stringing me along. We would have been together 3 years on July 26th of this year. And we have been living together almost the entire time. It hurts so much I don’t know what to do with myself. She was my first love, and the only woman I have ever truly cared about.

I am mostly to blame. I left her three months ago for another. At the same time quitting my band of two years, and in the process loosing a best friend. I actually wanted to marry her, and I think I panicked and thus left her. I have no other justification, and I can not conjure another reason. My life was in complete panic mode, and I did just that; panic. Also, I took her for granted and this is the end result.

Now, I say I am mostly to blame. I say this because, she did some horrible stuff to me as well. Not quite up there with what I ultimately did, but nevertheless, I was never able to fully trust her. I don’t want to get into specifics, but I will say one of the biggest things was her heavy flirting with a guy at work via Yahoo Messenger, and the promise of coming to his house. She would jump on the computer and chat with him almost minutes after I left for work. I know this because I suspected something, and installed a key logger on the home PC.

On a sort of related note, the day I found out she was sending naked pics to a co-worker, was the day I found out my sister attempted suicide, and is now in a coma. Talk about timing right? And today I find out, that my elderly Grand father has Pneumonia, and is refusing to go to the hospital. I wonder if anything else can go wrong? Did I mention I am on house arrest at the moment as well? Yep.

This morning I confronted her again, and said some things to hurt her. The thought of her with another kills me beyond belief. I know it is selfish, but it is what it is, as I always say. I still love her, and have never known pain like this.

With my luck, she will get a restraining order, and I will violate house arrest. Then I will be returned to custody, and maybe not set free until 2011. Did I not mention I am on parole and spent 4 years, 3 months, and two days in prison? And on parole until July 2011? Yep.

This is the life I lead. And it is all my fault. Every bit of it. I have only myself to blame. At least it is entertaining for my Twitter followers. Even if some of them actually care. They ultimately are strangers, and I am alone. And I am afraid I always will be.